(It's not what you think it is.)

You're so satisfying, you know?
Pulling together the corners of my vision,
Turning them over, sewing them
Into perfect
Soft
Seams,
Smoothed over and over until there is nothing left
But soothing blankness
And I love you,
Dearly, dearly, dearly.

Because I tremble.
Because I think my mind is like
The hazy frayed threads on the hem of my school skirt,
Fading to grey and pulling, pulling
Pulling until it threatens to break
And separate
In a single anticlimactic moment
From the base of my skull.
And that's why
I
have
you.

You-

Root me,           ground me
Hold me,           kiss me
Speak to me,     softly,
Love me,          dearly, brightly.

And that's why.
That's why I come to you,
When it's late, late, late-
Sitting on the toilet lid
Just you and me and the cool ceramic against my thighs
Goosebumps rising slowly, slowly-
Fine imperceptible hairs plunging to my skin and down, down, down
(How deep do they go? How deep?)

And
Slowly
Rake my fingernails
Down my arms,
Across my chest,
Along my back-

Shoulder to elbow,
Fingers gripping tight at the collar bone,
Neck craned away and down and tight,
Delicate sensation, exquisite painful dance-
Lover's touch, lover's touch.

And for an hour
You cradle me,
My head against the cool
Grey
Blankness of your chest,
Dimly aware of the heat and the sensation
Quick burning pinpoints and a pinch
Quietly pulling, loosening, prying
Prying the bad things away,
From my arms,
From my chest,
From my back,
From the threads
At the base of my skull.
You give me a moment of peace,
And you give me sanity, sanity, sanity.
Sanity for an hour. Daze.

Awaken.

And you're gone.
And I'm alone on the white cold ceramic.
And I look at what I've done.


And
I
hate
you.